OK, so like I was starting to explain in my last post (before getting a bit off track!) Although I'm happy and free, I'm still carrying around extra baby weight. Quite a bit of it. I eat pretty healthy. Extremely lean and healthy almost carb free meals for breakfast and lunch, decent dinners, and sugar is considered a treat that I don't indulge in to often! I mean, not as often as I used to anyway. ;)
I do pilates, rarely sit down during the day, sleep well, ect... but the weight is just staying put! There are weeks that I do exercise a lot more, but that will literally take up all my free time. I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but my hour in the mornings is bible devotion/sleeping in when I need too (not past 7:30 or 8:00 though!)
Evenings are family time. I have tried staying up after everyone is in bed asleep, but I'm either so exhausted that I can't make it through a session, or what usually happens, I become totally awake, get wound up, stay up and then become crabby the next morning. I still will do that now and then, but night time is not a good long term solution for me!
I have tried working out while the kids are up, but in a different room, but with a 5,4, and 1 year old, I'm interrupted so much it's hard to keep my heart rate up for longer than a few minutes!
Caleb takes 2 naps during the day. The first one is at 10:30. This is school/me and the girls time. So I won't change that! And then during his second nap, I have the girls read or color quietly on their beds for 45 minutes. That way, if they need it they will end up falling asleep, but regardless that's 45 minutes I know that I get each day to get things done. Of course the girls will try to get up, but usually that's just my quite time.
That's when I will balance the checkbook, make phone calls, go online, pinterest, ect... And let me tell you, that 45 minutes go fast! Often I spend that time just cleaning and getting things done too. So, I guess if I *really* wanted to, I could exercise my little heart out then... and I have for weeks at a time, but spending all my emotionally "quite" time doing cardio, well... makes my heart sad. lol I knowI I know! Being good to your body should make you feel good, and it does, but I need a little time during the day to recharge and have a few minutes to work on my interests (like photography and photo editing!) before hubby gets home, because then our night is just in fast forward until we all go to bed.
So I'm left with a choice, how much do I dedicate my time and energy to working out and counting each calorie? I want to continue to try to make as many healthy choices as I can each day, but how much do I want to push myself? And why do I need to push myself? Sometimes I worry it's vanity, but other times, each pound seems to drag my 5'3" frame down so much I feel like I'm carrying 100. (Living in a southern, high humidty climate dose not help!) I think about losing weight every day, many times, everyday. I feel like I get way to obsessed about it, and I have been really trying to accept that right now, maybe losing a lot of weight is just not going to happen in this season of life right now. Maybe I need to accept that I have a few extra pounds, enjoy my young children, be glad my life is filled with so much joy, and get on with life.
Other days, I'm so totally exhausted, I feel like crap and I'm still at times wearing maternity clothes ( I have been for almost 5 years :( how embarrassing) and I cringe whenever I see a picture of myself. I feel slow, tired, and out of shape.
I know there is a healthy balance between these two, but I'm having a really hard time finding it. Especially when I see so many other moms lose the weight, I wonder how I don't. Is it genetics? Age, what?!?! What am I doing so wrong?
Anyway, I was standing in line at walmart the other day. And granted, I was wearing one of the said maternity tank tops, so that probably didn't help. But as I was having my things checked out the older lady behind me asked "when is little one due?" "what??" I was in my own little world, and totally off guard and didn't even totally catch what she said, so she motioned to my belly and asked again" when is little one due?!"
Oh Lord... As she stood there with now her and her husband smiling at my belly I realized she thought I was pregnant. I was so humiliated. I just stood there for a moment, mortified as now her, her husband and the cashier all stood there waiting for my response. "Oh... Uh... " I should just tell them I'm not pregnant, just fat. then maybe they'll feel bad, let it go and I can get out of here. " I opened my mouth and before I knew what happened next I blurted out "I'm 12 weeks" Lord, forgive me for lying.... "Well! Your mighty big for only 12 weeks! "oh... it's my fourth, so... (Oh God! Another lie! I'm sorry Lord!) at this the cashier and lady in line proceeded to make comments on have I figured out what causes pregnancy and tried to go into birth control options for me to consider, at which point I grabbed my bags, just laughed and walked out of there as quickly as I could.
I felt just pissy and mad as I walked through the parking lot and into the jeep, but after I shut the door. I burst into tears. I cried the whole way home.
Long story short... I was hurt, but I knew not to let one person totally ruin my whole night and just asked God to help me let it go and not become obsessed about it. I did proceed to have a good night, but I do feel like it confirms in my head that I don't just feel heavy, I look it.
I haven't ever wanted to talk about my weight loss efforts on here because, I keep thinking this is just a phase and I'll get over it quickly. And maybe I'll talk about it after I lose all the weight and can share a success story. But now I feel like I want to share.
I think being accountable to my blog will help me stay on track to eating clean. I have always used lists, journals and notebooks to help me stay on track. So I think this will not only perhaps help me stay on track, but maybe let other people know they are not alone in trying to lose the weight!
This life is too short and to fleeting for anyone to judge their value or worth on a stinkin number on the scale, but I'm all for feeling healthy and filling your body with good things!
So, here is to a fresh start of eating healthy and gaining more energy (and less weight!)
